Seinfeld: The Tunnel Jews

An episode-that-never-was based on recent events

Kramer bursts through the door to Jerry’s apartment, looking disturbed and disheveled. Jerry is sitting on his couch, relaxing. He stands up and turns when Kramer comes in.

Kramer: Jerry, strange things are going on in this city!

Jerry: Well, it is New York. Frankly it would be stranger if nothing strange was going on.

Kramer: Yeah but I mean really strange.

Jerry: Okay, I’ll bite. What strange things are going on?

Kramer: Well there’s guy named Richard Strocher who’s a sort of niche media personality, and he was going off a couple of months ago on Twitter… or I guess they call it X now, about hearing Yiddish under his apartment.

Jerry: Yiddish. You mean like the language?

Kramer: Yeah.

Jerry: Okay. So what?

Kramer: Well he lives on the bottom floor and doesn’t have a basement.

Jerry: O…kay…

Kramer: So Strocher starts going off on social media about how there are Jews secretly living under his apartment. And everyone starts calling him crazy.

Jerry: Gee, I can’t imagine why.

Kramer: Well I looked into it a little more. Just cause I was curious. And I found some very interesting social media posts. It seems that there have been rumors about the Tunnel Jews going back for years.

Jerry: The Tunnel Jews.

Kramer: Yeah. Supposedly they have this elaborate network of tunnels under the city. One guy was homeless for a while and he had a friend who snuck into one of their secret entrances near Crown Heights. That’s the nexus of the whole Tunnel Jew operation.

Jerry: I see…

Kramer: And he disappeared!

Jerry: The guy who was homeless?

Kramer: No, his friend. Although actually I’m pretty sure his friend was also homeless, so yes. The post could’ve been a little more clearly written on that point, now that I think about it. But anyway, he never came back! Just gone! *claps his hands together for emphasis* Disappeared into the Khazarian catacombs!

Jerry: Kramer… what social media platform did you read this on, by chance?

Kramer: Oh… well, you know… *shrugs and laughs* Just a popular image board.

Jerry: Kramer. Have you been browsing 4chan!?

Kramer: Yeah. A little. So?

Jerry: *groans* Kramer, you can’t believe any of the stuff you read on there! Half the people are deranged psychopaths and the other half are making stuff up cause they think it’s funny!

Kramer: But that’s the thing, Jerry! I didn’t believe it either… up until today!

Jerry *apprehensively*: Oh? So what happened today?

Kramer: I saw them.

Jerry: You saw them?

Kramer: They’re down there, Jerry. I’ve seen them.

Jerry: And by them you mean… Tunnel Jews.

Kramer: *Nods frantically* Yeah.

Jerry: *sighs* Kramer, why don’t you tell me exactly what happened.

Kramer: Well, I was down near Crown Heights…

Jerry: What were you doing way over there?

Kramer: There’s this Japanese fusion discotheque place that’s really my jam.

Jerry *skeptical*: For lunch?

Kramer: Breakfast, actually. Any time of the day.

Jerry: …Okay.

Kramer: Anyway, as I’m leaving, I see two Jews crawl out of a sewer grate right at my feet!

Jerry: Are you sure they were Jews? I mean, you wouldn’t always know it by the smell, but we do still have sanitation workers in this city.

Kramer: Well they had the clothes Jerry! *gestures* They had the beards and those long side… hair thingies, and one of them had the black hat with the wide brim and jacket, and the other one had that little round hat!

Jerry: A yarmulke.

Kramer: Yeah! Exactly! A yarmulke! They were very, very Jewish Jerry, and they didn’t look like any kind of sanitation workers I’ve ever seen.

Jerry: So you were walking out of the Japanese fusion discotech and you saw two men dressed like Orthodox Jews come out of a sewer grate. Is that right?

Kramer: Yeah!

Jerry: Well… I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation.

Kramer *thinking*: Maybe. Maybe one of them dropped a quarter down there.

*beat*

Jerry: Sure Kramer. Maybe it was a penny. Or a shekel.

Kramer: *not paying attention to Jerry* Yeah. Yeah they could’ve dropped… no. Nope! No way! There was no shekel, Jerry! You know what I did after they ran off? I got down…

*Kramer drops down on all fours like a dog. Jerry fidgets uncomfortably, looking at the door & window to make sure no one is watching.*

Kramer: …and I looked down through the sewer grate!

Jerry: And you saw a subway synagogue with an altar to Moloch?

Kramer: Well, no. I didn’t get that good a look. But there was a lot of space down there, Jerry. *jumps back up* It didn’t look like a conventional sewer!

Jerry: Have a lot of experience with conventional sewers, do you?

Kramer: *shrugs* Oh, you know. A reasonable amount for an average person. A working knowledge.

Jerry: *sighs* Kramer, for the last time, there ARE no Tunnel Jews!

Kramer: Of course YOU'd say that Jerry.

Jerry: What does that mean?

Kramer: Well… you know…

*awkward silence*

Jerry: I don't believe this! You think because I’m Jewish, I’m covering for Tunnel Jews!

Kramer: Well you people are known to stick together, Jerry.

Jerry: Oh, so it's 'you people' now?

Kramer: Hey, no hate. It's a good survival strategy. I'm just saying, sometimes it can go a little too far.

Jerry: Kramer, I am THIS close to reporting you to the ADL!

Kramer: I’m just saying Jerry, 109 countries. That's a lotta countries. Was it really just out of the blue, no reason every time? Maybe there needs to be a little self reflection.

*beat*

Jerry: Kramer. You need to leave. Now.

Kramer: … I’m sorry Jerry that was over the line.

Jerry: It was. And you better pray that I don’t know any Tunnel Jews, because if I did I’d have half a mind to report you to the Elders of Zion. Maybe they’d call the Mossad. Make you disappear. Those guys don’t mess around!

Kramer: *dumbfounded* Is… is that really a thing?

Jerry: Do you wanna find out? I said leave.

*Kramer rushes out the door, frightened.*

*Jerry sighs and sinks back into the couch, shaking his head.*

*Jingle plays."*

*George enters the apartment.*

George: Hi Jerry. Anything new?

Jerry: Well, I just had a strange, and frankly somewhat disturbing, conversation with Kramer.

George: Okay. *beat* So anything new?

Jerry: Kramer thinks that Orthodox Jews are secretly building subterranean tunnels all over the city.

George: Orthodox Tunnel Jews?

Jerry: Yeah. Crazy, right!?

George: *nods* Yeah. Crazy. Sure.

Jerry: Absolutely bonkers!

George: Bonkers!

Jerry: Even for Kramer, it’s wacky. Imagine believing such a crackpot antisemitic conspiracy theory!

George: Yeah, Tunnel Jews under Crown Heights! What a wackjob conspiracy theory! *laughs*

Jerry: George…

George: Yeah?

Jerry: Why did you say Crown Heights?

George: *laughs nervously* I said Crown Heights because you said Crown Heights!

Jerry: *shakes his head* No I didn’t.

George: *laughs nervously again* Are you sure? I’m pretty sure you said Crown Heights!

Jerry: No. I didn’t.

George: *shrugs* Well I must have been thinking about it randomly for totally unrelated reasons.

Jerry: Kramer said Crown Heights. He said that’s the nexus of the whole Tunnel Jew operation.

George: *laughs nervously yet again* Wow! What a crazy coincidence!

Jerry: George. Do you know something about Tunnel Jews in Crown Heights?

George: *throws his hands up in the air* Alright! Alright! Rumors, that’s all! Through the grapevine! You really haven’t heard the rumors? Everyone’s heard the rumors.

Jerry: What rumors?

George: What rumors do you think? Exactly what you’ve been talking about! That one of those Hasidic sects over in Crown Heights built a network of underground tunnels!

Jerry: So you’ve heard about the Tunnel Jews!? Have you been browsing 4chan too?

George: No. Isn’t half of that site deranged psychopaths and the other half making stuff up cause they think it’s funny? I heard it from a cousin who lives down near Crown Heights, whose in-laws are members of the sect.

Jerry: So you have an actual inside track?

George: Inside track is a bit of an overstatement.

Jerry: But this could actually be true?

George: I’d say the odds are… 70-30.

Jerry: For or against?

George: 70 against, 30 for. I mean, it’s Tunnel Jews. *laughs* Crazy stuff.

Jerry: Yeah. No kidding.

*Knock at the door. Elaine enters.*

Elaine: Hey, what’s up you two?

George: We’re talking about the Tunnel Jews.

Elaine: You mean those Hasids who dug a bunch of secret tunnels under Crown Heights?

Jerry: *looks from George to Elaine and back* Unbelievable! Does everyone in this city know about this but me?!

Elaine: *laughs* Not everyone, Jerry. Just most of the Jewish community, probably.

Jerry: *throws out hands* Well why didn’t the Jewish community inform me!? Is there a bulletin I missed or something?

Elaine: Maybe the Jewish community isn’t keeping you in the loop cause they got a little weirded out by you dating a 17 year old during your mid-life crisis.

*silence*

Jerry: Elaine, I thought I made it clear to all of you that you were never, under any circumstances, to mention that.

*George and Elaine both look down at the ground.*

Jerry: If you ever go there again, we’re gonna find a new token woman to hang around here.

*silence*

George: Anyway, like I said, it’s probably nonsense. You know how gossipy the Jewish community is. *laughs*

Elaine: Excuse me. My sources are pretty reliable.

George: I’d put the odds at 60-40, Jerry.

Jerry: 60 against, 40 for?

George: Yeah.

Jerry: That’s ten percent more likely than what you said before.

George: Yeah.

Jerry: Well I hope it’s the 60 or that if that’s the 40 it never comes out, cause if Kramer gets confirmation he’s either gonna become the next Donald O’Brien or just rub it in my face for forever, and I’m not sure which is worse!

Elaine: Who’s Donald O’Brien?

George: The leader of the Aryan Union.

Elaine: Oh. *glances back and forth at George and Jerry, puzzled* That’s an odd bit of trivia to know. Are you two informants for the ADL or something?

George: *shakes head* No, although we did have to talk to them after that incident with the limo. Get my face off their website.

*Elaine raises eyebrows*

George: *grimaces* I’ll tell you, I did not care for that Greenblatt character. On top of his smarmy, passive aggressive attitude, he had those… *gestures* shifty, beady little eyes, and an unpleasant… rodent-like face. Like an evil ferret or something.

*beat*

Jerry: *side eyes George* Yeah, he’s not the kind of guy you’d want to borrow money from, eh George.

George: *oblivious* No, definitely not. I know they say not to judge a book by its cover, but people have vibes, and that man had the vibe of swindler!

Jerry: You know, I really think we should talk about something else. Let’s talk about something else. What’s going on with you, Elaine?

Elaine: Well, there’s this new girl at work and one of the guys on the second floor recognized her. Get this: *leans in and whispers* she has an OnlyFans.

George: *perks up* Really? What’s her name?

*Jerry and Elaine turn and look at George, smirking.*

George: What?! I’m just curious! Aren’t you curious Jerry?

*beat*

Jerry: I’m a little curious.

Elaine: *rolls her eyes and smirks* Alright. Get out your laptop.

*Jerry and George scramble to a drawer and Jerry pulls out his laptop. They sit down.*

Elaine: Her real name is Brianne, but she goes by…

George: Wait! Wait. Don’t use Google Images. Use Ask Gus dot com with the safe search off. That’ll pull up everything.

*Jerry and Elaine both sideye George.*

Jerry: Have a lot of experience with this, don’t you, George?

George: Hey! I’m no simp! *adjusts his collar* Anyway, these are useful skills to have in this modern day.

Jerry: How so?

George: Well, let’s say you’re going on a date with a woman. Wouldn’t you want to know if she’s selling nudes for five dollars a month before you buy her a fifty dollar dinner?

Jerry: *nods* Good point. That’s ten months of nudes.

Elaine: You two are such pigs!

Jerry and George: Just give us the name!

Elaine: Alright, alright. Her real name is Brianne, but her OnlyFans name is Alexa Nightly. That’s Nightly without a K. Like “every night.”

George: *nods* Good OnlyFans name.

*Jerry and Elaine raise eyebrows at him.*

George: I mean, strictly from a marketing perspective.

Jerry: Alright. *types* Alexa Nightly, here we go…

Jerry, George, and Elaine: *recoil* OH!

Jerry: Is that a pen up her butt?

George: *adjusts glasses* Along with a lot of other things. That seems to be the general theme, doesn’t it? Objects in the ol’ derriere.

Elaine: I thought it was gonna be, like, tasteful nudes, not pens up buttholes!

Jerry: *rolls eyes* Elaine, it’s the internet age. Unless you’re already famous, you can’t make money on ‘tasteful nudes’ anymore. They barely register. Catering to niche degeneracy is the way of the 21st century.

Elaine: *frowns* Well now I kinda wish I hadn’t looked. Every time I see that woman at work I’m gonna be thinking about pen butt.

George: *smirks* Yeah, it’s gonna be awkward.

Elaine: If I have to shake her hand, I’m gonna have the overpowering urge to wash it off.

Jerry: Wow, Elaine. Awfully judgmental. I’m sure she washes her hands between taking those pictures and going in to work. You’ve done things that people wouldn’t want to shake your hand after.

Elaine: Yeah, but I didn’t plaster pictures of it all over the internet! It’s burned in now! I can’t help it! It’s involuntary! We’re judging machines. Mankind was not meant to handle the bombardment of extreme visual stimuli of the digital age!

Jerry: *raises eyebrow* Okay, Miss Kaczynski. Well just avoid her at work, I guess.

Elaine: *sighs* Yeah, I guess.

George: *yawns* Alright, well I’m feeling tired. I’m gonna head home early and hit the sack.

Elaine: Yeah, I’ve got somewhere to be. Catch you guys tomorrow for breakfast before work, okay? Do you have any shows tomorrow, Jerry?

Jerry: Nah, tomorrow’s all free. You know I really feel better now.

Elaine: Really?

Jerry: Yeah, this little bit of drama with your coworker’s OnlyFans has made me almost forget all about that Tunnel Jew business. I’m gonna go to bed, and never think about it again.

*Cut to shot of tv screen broadcasting news program. A large group of Hasidic Jews in black hats and jackets are wrestling with each other and the police at the front of a large opening in the wall. One of them pulls a small, dirty mattress out of the hole.*

Newscaster: Chaos at a Chabad in Crown Heights this morning as police confronted its Hasidic residents about a secret underground tunnel beneath the building…

*Cut to Jerry, George, and Elaine are sitting at the cafe drinking coffee and eating breakfast, watching the TV.*

Jerry: Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding me!

*Jingle plays. Cut to commercial break.*

*Cut back from commercial. Elaine, George, and Jerry are still eating in the cafe, watching the TV.*

Elaine: Wow. things are really popping off over there, huh? Did that guy just throw a bagel at a cop? *sips coffee*

George: Not one of the better optical moments for the Jews, to be perfectly honest.

Jerry: No kidding. And what’s with the mattress with the stain on it? Once again, I really wish that someone had informed me about this. I’d like a heads up if the Jews are going to be expelled from New York City.

Elaine: *rolls eyes* You’re REALLY overreacting, Jerry. There’s absolutely no way the Jews are getting kicked out of New York.

Jerry: Oh yeah? Why not?

George: *laughs* Are you kidding? Most of this city is RUN by Jews…

*Awkward silence as they all realize what he said. George takes a big bite of his donut.*

Jerry: Well what about Kramer? I don’t want him to find out about this!

Elaine: He might already know.

George: It’s actually a bit of a miracle he’s not here now, finding out with the rest of us.

Jerry: Well suppose he doesn’t know. If possible, I’d like to keep him from knowing. Permanently.

Elaine: Well I know Kramer’s a pain, but I don’t think you should kill him, if that’s what you’re implying.

Jerry: *thinks for a moment* No. While effective, that would cause too many complications.

George: You have all day off today, right? Why don’t you just spend the day with Kramer? Stick to him like glue, and keep him away from anything that might tip him off. This should be out of the news in a day or two and soon everyone will forget about it.

Jerry: You want me to spend the whole day with Kramer?

George: *shrugs* It’s probably your most realistic option.

*Jerry grimaces.*

*Jingle plays.*

*Cut to Jerry knocking on Kramer’s apartment door.*

Kramer: *Opens door* Oh! Hi Jerry!

Jerry: Hi Kramer. Uh, so how are you doing today?

Kramer: Oh, I’m doing just fine, I guess.

Jerry: That’s good. That’s good. You know, we missed you at breakfast today.

Kramer: Well, I slept late. Hey, I thought you were mad at me.

Jerry: Well that’s why I wanted to stop by! We both let our tempers flair up and said things we didn’t mean over that silly…

Kramer: The Tunnel J…

Jerry: Yeah! That silly thing! And I felt really bad about it so I just wanted to come over and bury the hatchet.

Kramer: *eyes Jerry suspiciously* Are you feeling okay, Jerry?

Jerry: Of course! What do you mean?

Kramer: Well this is just kind of unlike you.

Jerry: A fellah can’t come patch things up with his friend after a silly, absurd, totally inconsequential argument?

Kramer: This is very unlike you.

Jerry: *Trying to change the subject* Listen Kramer, I have the day off today. What are you doing?

Kramer: Well I was gonna marathon some shows.

Jerry: That’s it?

Kramer: Yeah, kind of a lazy day. Tonight I’ll probably go out on the town, but other than that I’m just gonna veg and watch the tube. Of course I’ll take a break for Lunch and probably catch up on the news…

Jerry: Kramer! Why don’t we go out for lunch together? My treat. I’ll take you anywhere you want.

Kramer: *shocked* Really?

Jerry: *hesitates, actually thinking about it, then braces himself* Really, really. Where do you want to go?

*Hard cut to Jerry and Kramer in the car, driving.*

Jerry: The Japanese fusion discotheque again?! You were just there yesterday!

Kramer: Jerry, when I’m vibin’ with a place, it means I’m on a roll. I’ll go there day in and day out till it loses the charm. For weeks sometimes. I have to get every drop of magic while it’s fresh.

Jerry: *sighs* I just would much rather go somewhere else.

Kramer: Jerry, you said we could go wherever I wanted. If you’re going to get all conditional on me, I can just go home and stick with my original plan.

Jerry: *silently fumes* No. Nope. It’s fine. Kramer wants Tuesday afternoon fever teriyaki so Kramer gets Tuesday afternoon fever teriyaki.

*Red and blue lights start flashing and sirens can be heard.”

Kramer: Wow! Look at all those cop cars! Something’s really popping off over in Crown Heights!

Jerry: *voice strained* Yep! Sure looks like it!

Kramer: *leans over, trying to get a better look* Let’s follow them and see what it is!

Jerry: Absolutely not! *reaches over and grabs the wheel*

Kramer: *wrestles with Jerry over the wheel* Oh, come on Jerry! Aren’t you curious?

Jerry: No! And we’re absolutely not following a bunch of cop cars! What if they lead us into a shootout!? What if they decide we’re suspicious and pull us over for following them!? What if it’s a pandemic outbreak and we catch Covid-20!?

Kramer: *taken aback* Alright Jerry, we won’t follow them. Sorry.

Jerry: *takes a deep breath, sits back* I’m sorry too Kramer. I didn’t meant to yell. I’m just a little anxious.

*Sirens and lights fade away.*

Kramer: I never realized you were such a cautious person.

Jerry: Well, I am. Very cautious. There’s a lot you don’t know about me, Kramer. A lot of things I play very close to the chest.

Kramer: …Okay then. I’ll try to keep your sensitivities in mind going forward.

Jerry: Thank you Kramer. I appreciate it.

Kramer: *leans in* Just tell me one thing. Is this anxiety around cops from a fear of getting sent to prison and, you know, dropping the soap?

*Jerry turns and looks at Kramer.*

Kramer: Because if it is, I totally get it.

*Jingle plays.*

*Cut to Elaine walking down the hall at work. Mr. Peterman walks up to her in the hall, accompanied by a buxom bleached blonde in pantsuit.*

Mr. Peterman: Elaine! Have you by chance had the pleasure of become acquainted with Brianne?

Elaine: Oh, yes. *chuckles* Very well acquainted.

Brianne: Oh, I wouldn’t say that. We just met very briefly the other day. Anyway, it’s great to see you again, Elaine.

*Brianne reaches her hand out to shake Elaine’s. Elaine’s eyes widen as she keeps smiling. Instead of shaking Brianne’s hand, she holds up her fist.*

Brianne: Oh! *laughs*

*They fist bump.*

Elaine: Yeah, that’s how I roll. Always keepin’ it real! Homies!

*They all laugh.*

Brianne: Nice.

Mr. Peterman: I’m glad you two are swimming like a pair of fish in a Koi pond. By the way, I just realized, I have a form you both need to sign.

*Mr. Peterman pulls a clipboard with a piece of paper from behind his back.*

Elaine: Were you holding that there the whole time?

*Mr. Peterman chuckles and holds the paper out to Brianne. Brianne takes out a pen and signs it. Elaine’s eyes focus on the pen and widen in horror for a second, then she contains herself.*

Elaine: *forced smile* Gee, that, uh, that pen sure looks familiar.

Brianne: Really? I brought it from home. It’s my favorite pen, actually. It writes so smoothly and the grip is so comfortable.

Elaine: Oh, I’m sure the grip is VERY comfortable and I don’t doubt you REALLY love it.

Mr. Peterman: *holds paper out to Elaine* Elaine?

*Elaine reaches into her jacket packet, then starts going through her pants pockets, getting increasing agitated.*

Elaine: Oh… Uh, I seem to have left my pen at my desk. I’ll go run and get it.

Brianne: Oh, no worries. Use mine.

*Holds her pen out to Elaine, whose eyes widen in horror again.*

Elaine: Uh… no. No, that’s fine. I wouldn’t want to waste the ink in your favorite pen. *forced laugh*

Breanne: Oh no problem. It’s refillable. Try it out. You can see how nice it writes.

Elaine: Uh… no, really, that’s fine, I’ll just… *turns to go*

Mr. Peterman: *exasperated* Elaine! I’ve got to attend a meeting in about two seconds! Quit dilly-dallying and just use Brianne’s pen, please!

*Elaine stops and spins back around.*

Elaine: Oh…okay. *pained expression*

*Elaine reaches out and takes Brianne’s pen, moving and making a face like she’s sticking her hand into boiling water. She scribbles her signature on Mr. Peterman’s form, then tosses the pen back to Brianne, who juggles it for a second before it lands in her cleavage. Elaine turns and runs away.*

Elaine: *looking back and shouting* I’m sorry! Bathroom emergency!!!

*Brianne and Mr. Peterman look at each other, baffled.*

Mr. Peterman: *shakes head* That Elaine. Nice girl, but so odd.

*Cut back to Jerry and Kramer, standing outside a gray brick building.*

Jerry: Stayin A-Sushi. Wow, it even has an authentic butchered Japanese English name!

Kramer: *rubs hands together* Alright Jerry! I promise, you’re not gonna regret this!

Jerry: *sighs* I already do.

*They go inside. The place is decorated with purple and red neon lights. An attractive Asian woman in a metallic silver kimono walks up to them.*

Hostess Hello. Table for two?

Kramer: Yes please! We’re here for the lunch special.

Jerry: *whispers to Kramer* Hmm, maybe you’re right. Maybe this place isn’t so bad. *smiles at hostess and tries to act smooth* Konichiwa.

Hostess: *rolls eyes* I’m Korean.

Jerry: Well that’s just false advertising.

*The Hostess leads Jerry and Kramer to their table. A Japanese cover of “More Than a Woman” is playing. Kramer and Jerry sit down and open their menus.*

Jerry: *looking around* Well, this place is really something, Kramer, I’ll give you that. *nervously* Oh look. They have a TV.

Kramer: Yeah, it’s great! Maybe we can catch a game!

*Another Asian woman in a metallic purple and gold kimono wheels up on roller skates and takes out a notepad.*

Jerry: It’s a roller disco too? This place has a bit too many themes for its own good.

Waitress: Can I get you any drinks to start you off?

Kramer: Yeah, I’ll have the yuzu hard lemonade.

Jerry: I guess I’ll try that too. Say, are you actually Japanese?

Waitress: No. I’m Filipina.

Jerry: That’s false advertising, but I’ll allow it. *winks* Just don’t try to serve us any of those chicken fetuses still in the eggshell.

Waitress: *giggles* No, no balut. Say, did either of you catch the news lately? It’s crazy with that raid on…

Jerry: *claps hands together loudly* Well I’m starving! I can’t wait another minute! What are the specials!?

Waitress: *frowns* Oh. Well we have our lunch special. Three roles of any kind you want for $19.99.

Jerry: Great! I’ll get a philly roll, a salmon roll, and a tuna roll!

Kramer: I’ll have the tempura and two salmon rolls.

Waitress: Okay, I’ll be back. *wheels away*

Kramer: Jerry, she wanted to make small talk. I think she was starting to like you and you kinda blew it.

Jerry: *gritting teeth and muttering* Yeah, but it was worth it.

Kramer: Wow. You weren’t kidding. You really ARE hungry for sushi.

Jerry: Kramer, you have no idea.

*Kramer turns and starts watching the game. The TV goes to a break. A breaking news bulletin comes up and a picture of an Orthodox Jewish man is briefly seen next to the newscaster. Jerry jumps up between Kramer and the TV.*

Jerry: Kramer, I have to go to the bathroom!

Kramer: *shrugs, confused* Okay. It’s right over there Jerry. *points* There’s a big neon sign. *tries to lean over to look past Jerry at the TV.*

Jerry: *leans in the same direction to keep blocking Kramer’s view* I… uh… I need you to come with me.

*beat*

Kramer: *stares at Jerry in baffled* What?

Jerry: *struggling* It’s just… I’ve never been here, you know… and… uh… this is a dangerous neighborhood.

Kramer: *looks around* It is? I’ve never heard that.

Jerry: Oh yeah. I’ve heard bad things happen to people in bathrooms here all the time.

Kramer: *in disbelief* They do?

Jerry: Yeah!

Kramer: Like what?

Jerry: People get stabbed. Chloroformed and then wake up with their organs missing. Or don’t wake up with their organs missing!

Kramer: Really?

Jerry: Yeah. I’d just… feel much more comfortable… much safer, if you went to the bathroom with me.

Kramer: *awkwardly* Well… okay, Jerry.

*Kramer and Jerry both get up and walk to the bathroom. The waitress and hostess watch them enter together. They glance questioningly at each other.*

*Jerry enters the stall. Kramer stands outside awkwardly. He clasps his hands in front of him and starts whistling, glancing around.*

Kramer: *knocks lightly on the stall door* Are you okay in there?

Jerry: Yeah, everything’s fine. Just give me a couple minutes.

Kramer. Okay.

*Kramer scans the rest of the bathroom again. He squats down to look under the sink and leans over to look inside the trash bin. Then he walks back to the stall.*

Kramer: The coast is clear out here! No… shady characters!

Jerry: That’s very comforting Kramer. Thank you.

*Cut to Jerry and Kramer leaving the bathroom together. The waitress and hostess watch, giving each other the side-eye.

Jerry and Kramer see them. The waitress and hostess give polite, forced smiles and bow. Jerry and Kramer awkwardly smile and bow back.*

*Jingle plays. Cut to commercial break.*

*End of commercial break. Jerry and Kramer exit the discotheque.*

Jerry: Well Kramer, I’ve gotta admit, in spite of everything, that’s a pretty nice place. Good salmon rolls.

Kramer: See. I told you it’s a reEEEAAAAAAH!

*Kramer cuts off what he was saying in a shriek and points, eyes wide. Cut to a sewer grate a few yards away from Jerry and Kramer. The bars are partially missing. An old man in a yarmulke is crawling out. His face isn’t visible to the camera.*

Old Man: Jerry! Hello!

*Kramer looks back and forth between the two, shaking, eyes wide, like he’s seeing a ghost.*

Jerry: *long pause, braces himself* Hi, Uncle Leo.

*beat*

Jerry: So… why were you climbing out of that sewer?

Uncle Leo: I was checking out those secret tunnels, before the cops fill ‘em up with cement. It’s my last chance.

Jerry: And… *sighs heavily* what secret tunnels would those be, Uncle Leo?

*Kramer continues looking back and forth between the two, wildly.*

Uncle Leo: The ones that Hasidic sect built under the Chabad going around Crown Heights, of course! Surely you know, Jerry. Even if nobody told you before, it’s been all over the news today!

*Kramer’s jaw drops in realization as he continues looking back and forth between the two.*

Jerry: *resigned* And… uh, why are you wearing a yarmulke?

Uncle Leo: Well it just seemed like the appropriate thing to do.

*Jerry turns to Kramer. Kramer’s eyes are bugged out as wide as they can go and he’s puffed up like balloon that’s about to pop. Jerry shrugs and gestures to him like he’s saying, “Go ahead.”

Kramer: I was right! *screams at the top of his lungs* I WAS RIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!

*Jerry looks down at the ground. Uncle Leo looks confused.*

Kramer: TUNNEL JEWS! VINDICATION! TUNNEL JEEEEEEEEEWS!

*Kramer runs off camera, still screaming.*

Kramer: TUNNEL JEWS! VINDICATIOOOOOOON!

*Kramer runs back on camera, walks up to Uncle Leo, and points at him.*

Kramer: TUNNEL JEEEEEEEEEEWS!

*Kramer runs off camera again.*

Kramer: I WAS RIIIIIIIIIIGHT!

Uncle Leo: You have very strange friends, Jerry.

*Jingle plays.*

*Cut to Jerry, George, and Elaine at Jerry’s apartment.*

Jerry: So after all that effort, Kramer still learned everything.

George: Wow. So where is he now?

Jerry: I don’t know. Probably reading David Irving before bed with some milk and cookies . So how was the day for you two?

Elaine: Well, you know Brianne, that new girl with the OnlyFans?

Jerry: Yeah. Did something happen with her?

Elaine: She was let go.

George: Whoa! That was quick!

Elaine: Well… *chuckles* someone may have told HR about her OnlyFans, and they decided that objects in the butthole isn’t the image we want to be presenting to the public.

Jerry: Elaine! That’s awful!

Elaine: She brought the pen to work Jerry.

*beat*

Jerry: The pen?

George: You mean THE pen? *points towards his rear end sitting on the couch and makes a jabbing motion*

Elaine: *grimaces* Yeah.

Jerry: You didn’t… *grimaces* touch it, did you?

Elaine: *smiles grimly* Oh, I did. I found myself in a situation where I had no choice.

Jerry: Well… I guess that’s a little more understandable.

George: Eh, I still don’t think it was that big a deal. I wouldn’t have minded.

*Jerry and Elaine both turn and look at George.*

George: What!?

Elaine: I’ll tell you what George. I’ll see if I can contact her and tell her to apply at your company. Maybe you can not only touch the butt pen, but SMELL it too!

George: I didn’t mean it like that!

Elaine and Jerry: Riiiiiiight.

*Jingle plays.*

End Credits play over George and Jerry eating at a cafe.

Kramer walks in.

Kramer: Hello George. Hello… Jerry. *eyes Jerry suspiciously*

George and Jerry together (George relaxed, Jerry apprehensive): Hi Kramer.

Kramer: So… Jerry… *leans forward*

Kramer (whispers): What’s the deal with the mattress with the stain on it?

Jerry: Kramer, I swear, I know absolutely nothing about the mattress with the stain on it!

Kramer: Oh yeah? You also said there were no Tunnel Jews.

Jerry: Yeah, I said that! I was wrong! I was mistaken! But now I’’m admitting, I don’t know! I know nothing about it!

Kramer: You knew and you hid it. How do I know you’re not hiding what you know about the mattress?

Jerry: Kramer, the jig is up. If I knew, I would definitely tell you. *stops to think, grimaces* Unless… it was something really bad maybe…

Kramer (looks horrified, claps his hand over his mouth): Oh! Oh no… Oh no… Just tell me… was fire involved?

Jerry: For the last time, I don’t know! There was a happier, more innocent time when I’d say definitely not, but now anything is on the table! Hey, how come George gets a pass, huh? No interrogation for him? He knew before I did!

George: Hey, I only knew a little, and I never hid it! It just never came up! I’m an open book!

Jerry: George, you slimy little rat!

George: Whoa! *points at Jerry accusingly* Cool it with the antisemitic dogwhistles, Jerry!

Jerry slowly slumps over in his seat until he’s practically lying down, staring blankly at the ceiling. He holds this position for the rest of the credits while Kramer and George stare at him.